Of Past Regret and Future Hope
by Robeth
Summary: My take on what should have happened in episode 10.08 and afterwards. AU. Cordano. Finished.


Disclaimer: That's right - I still don't own anyone or anything, although the people who decided to toss Romano away in such a horrible, horrible way shouldn't any longer deserve to call him theirs…

I actually started writing this story way back when the first spoilers of Romano's death came out, which also should explain why Dorsett's still around. I just couldn't be bothered to write the whole story all over again just to get closer to what actually happened in the show, because this is an AU fic anyway. Just a short story of what, in my opinion, really should have happened in episode 10.08 and afterwards.

Rated PG-13 for some language…

_Of Past Regret and Future Hope_

It was late in the evening when Elizabeth turned the key in her door and entered the empty house. Ella was in her arms, already fast asleep, and in no time she was sleeping peacefully in her own little bed. For a while Elizabeth stayed with her, looking lovingly at the child who was so free from all worries and sadness. She could only wish that it would always be so for her, yet she knew that it wouldn't be.

With a soft sigh, Elizabeth left the room, closing the door quietly behind her as she proceeded downstairs to pour herself a glass of wine. She didn't bother to turn on any of the lights as she entered the living room, nor did she turn on the TV. She just sat down on the couch and closed her eyes, thinking back to what her day had been like: First, staying at work –  walking from patient to patient in some sort of a trance, like a robot. Then, arriving to the chapel - seeing his picture there and listening to some empty words he would probably have laughed at had he been there.

Elizabeth had thought she would be feeling sad that day, but for some reason that wasn't really the case. She simply felt completely empty. Drained. Worn out. But not sad – at least not in the kind of way that would make her weepy. From the day of the accident to this moment she hadn't yet shed a single tear. 

But still she knew she was very much affected. Everything in her life had seemed somehow out of place ever since she had heard the first off-hand rumor that Robert might have been under the chopper. She now realized she had been hoping that the memorial service would bring some sort of a closure to everything – that it would make his dead feel more real, maybe even provoke a few tears to help her get it all out of her system – but nothing of the sort had happened.

The ceremony had been quiet and short. There had been no speeches. Nobody had stood up to say how much everyone would be missing the deceased, or how great a man they had lost. Nothing. In fact, hardly anyone had even attended. No family, no colleagues. Just herself and some other people she hardly knew - people he hardly knew. It was sad.

Yet, the tears would not come. 

Maybe it was some sort of denial. After all, no body had been found; just the plastic arm and the remains of a badly burned coat with his ID card in the pocket. Some of the bodies and body parts were still being sorted out, but in Robert's case the recognition had already been made based on the items that had been found and identified as his. The memorial had been held and as soon as someone would figure out which of the body parts were his, he would be cremated - because apparently there was no one out there who would arrange a funeral. Another sad detail.

Elizabeth sighed. She would just have to face the fact. Robert Romano was gone and he would not be coming back. A shudder went through her body. It wasn't real, it could not be. Tomorrow she would go to work and Romano would be there yelling for her to come and save him from the stupid med students. Yet, she knew it wouldn't happen – ever again.

A cockroach. That's what Weaver had called him once. She had said he would outlast them all. Bullshit. Why did he always have to do the exact opposite of what Weaver said? 

Elizabeth's randomly galloping thoughts were suddenly interrupted as a sharp ringing of the phone broke the silence in the room.

Her heart jumped for no apparent reason as she rushed to catch the caller.

"Hello?" 

"Hi honey, it's me."

Elizabeth sighed, feeling oddly disappointed.

"Oh. Hello Edward," she replied unenthusiastically.

"I'm glad to hear your voice too."

"Look, Edward, this isn't really a good moment. I'm tired and I…" Elizabeth began, but Dorsett didn't let her finish.

"I just wanted to make sure you're alright," he cut in. "You seemed a bit…absent today at work."

"I'm fine. I just need to be alone for a while."

"Is that because of that Romano guy? I've noticed you've been a bit stiff after he…you know, bit the dust. The funeral was today, right?"

"Memorial."

"Right."

"Good night, Eddie." Elizabeth was tired of the conversation.

"Wait, are you sure you don't want to…"

"I said good night, Eddie," she sighed and hung up. 

What was she doing with Dorsett anyway? She didn't really care about him and he wasn't even her type. Too young. Too hairy. Besides, it wasn't fair for him that she was only keeping him for pleasure. They'd never have a future together.

It was getting darker and darker outside, and inside it was becoming just as dark, but Elizabeth still couldn't bother to turn on the lights. The darkness around her seemed more comfortable.

And then, suddenly, without any warning or a sudden endearing memory that would break the gates, the tears came. She felt so alone, and she knew Dorsett could never take that loneliness away. He could not comfort her in the way Robert had when she had lost Mark. The tears began rolling down faster and faster as Elizabeth began to think of all the things she had lost in Robert:

A colleague, a protector, the most loyal ally she had ever had, a friend, and…Elizabeth swallowed…A man who had loved her. A man who had died thinking she didn't care about him. But she did care. A great deal. She had never realized it until now, but perhaps there was a part in her that even loved him. Why else would she suddenly be feeling so numb and empty, as if an important part of her had been removed for good? She hadn't felt this lost even when…even when Mark had died. She had been sad then, now she was completely lost.

At that moment, the doorbell rang. Elizabeth immediately reached for a tissue and hastily tried to dry her face. It could only be Eddie this late, and since he had the key she couldn't just ignore the bell.

"I'm coming!" she yelled to buy herself some more time. She turned on the lights and looked into the nearest mirror. Her face was a mess with half of the make up now decorating her cheeks. 

Elizabeth turned the lights off again, deciding that the less seen, the better. She'd just have to get rid of Dorsett quickly.

The doorbell rang again. Elizabeth blew her nose one last time before reluctantly going to open the door.

"Edward, please…" she began, but then she froze and all the words failed her as she saw that the man standing in the shadows on the porch was not Dorsett. She quickly backed away with a look of horror on her face.

"You…" she breathed. 

"Were you expecting someone else?" the man asked nonchalantly as he stepped closer from the shadows. Elizabeth was blinking hard, but she was shocked to notice that the image would not go away. It really was him…or rather, a vision of him. She had to be hallucinating.

"But…But you're dead!" she managed to blurt out.

"Do I look dead?" the man snorted. "Seriously, Lizzie, I thought you were a doctor. No wonder your patients die if you keep pronouncing them dead when they're still walking."

"B-But how…?" Elizabeth stammered, still in complete shock. Her hands were reaching for something to hold on to.

"Will you let me in?" he asked softly, dropping the snark

Elizabeth hesitated, but even though her mind was still uncertain, she couldn't stop her body from moving aside from the doorway and motioning for him to enter. She didn't say anything, but as soon as she had gained some control of her feet again, she went to turn on the lights. If he wasn't a ghost he probably wouldn't mind the lighting, and she really wanted to make sure he was real.

He was. There was a nasty looking burn on his arm and a smaller one on his forehead, and he was lacking an arm, but there was nothing ghostly about his appearance, except maybe the fact that his face looked very pale. 

"Still here," the man quipped as if he was reading Elizabeth's mind. Then he noticed her red, swollen eyes and got serious:

"Have you been crying?" he asked, changing back to the softer tone and stepping closer. This time Elizabeth did not recoil. She muttered something about having been chopping onions and then quickly changed the subject:

"Have you had anyone examine those burns?" she asked, suppressing all her ranging emotions by stepping into her doctor mode. 

"It doesn't matter," he waved it off.

"Of course it does!" Elizabeth insisted. "Let me at least clean them up and put some bandage."

Robert shrugged. He was surprised that Elizabeth hadn't asked him any more questions yet, but he assumed the time would come later. Actually, he was counting on it. He needed someone to talk to and Elizabeth was the only person he could think of.

After a while Elizabeth returned with a basic first aid kit and some extra equipment only a doctor would keep in her house. She motioned Robert to sit down and then took a seat next to him, beginning to work on his injuries.

"So…" she finally began, searching for the right questions, but then settling for the simplest one: "What happened?"

At first Robert did not reply. He was clearly thinking about where to start from and Elizabeth chose not to push him. She was fine as long as she'd have her still trembling hands busy with the injuries. To be working on Robert's arm again was at least something concrete. It was something that made him seem more real and alive. The silence went on for a while until it was finally broken by Robert's voice:

"I was out at the ambulance bay," he began. "I had a brief encounter with an idiot from the ER, and after that I began walking away. I was on a bad mood – worse than usual", he hastened to add as Elizabeth gave him one of her looks, "I was sick of the County and sick of everything and everyone – well, almost everyone – in it. I was just thinking I should quit when I suddenly heard panicked voices coming from behind me, and I turned around just in time to see a helicopter crashing."

Robert paused and for a while he examined Elizabeth's work in silence. She glanced up:

"And then?" she encouraged him to continue.

"I – I froze." Robert choked out.

Elizabeth looked up again. This time she kept her eyes on Robert and, for the first time after his unexpected arrival, held his gaze.

"People were screaming for help and I stood on my feet like an idiot", he said, breaking the eye contact.

"Robert, it's perfectly natural…" Elizabeth began soothingly.

"No, it isn't," he cut in firmly. "Not for me. But I stood still. It must have been minutes before I finally saw a man trapped under a piece of the chopper, and only then I finally started moving."

"I went to him, and tried to help him, but I only managed to get my stupid arm stuck in the wreck. By the time I got it detached the flames were already there. I rushed away to look for more help, but as soon as I had begun running, there was a huge explosion…and I knew we'd lost everyone who was still inside."

Robert took another pause, but kept his eyes fixed on the bandage Elizabeth was now finishing.

"At first there was a deadly silence," he then continued, "As if nobody quite knew what had just happened. Then people started rushing out from the County…and I just backed away. Apparently no one noticed I was missing," he finished with a half-hearted snort.

Elizabeth was now done with her work and finally felt comfortable enough to turn all her attention to Romano.

"But where did you go?" she asked, frowning. "The police went to your house in the evening when it began to look like you had – been lost in the accident." Elizabeth swallowed and wiped her face even though there was nothing there this time. "They tried to find you, or anyone who'd know you – but they came out with nothing. They kept looking for a few days, but as there was all the evidence that you had been near the helicopter when it exploded -- you were pronounced dead." 

She let out a weird half laugh, half sob as she finished: "I even attended your memorial service today!"

Robert's head perked up:

"You did?"

"Yes!" she scolded, not sure whether she should laugh or cry, "Maybe it is your idea of fun to let everyone think you are dead, but I certainly did not enjoy it. Hell, if I weren't so happy to see you alive, I'd probably kill you."

Robert looked at her for a moment with an unreadable expression.

"You are happy to see me alive?" he finally asked, letting the latter part of her statement slip.

Elizabeth felt a little guilty that he seemed to be so surprised about it: "Yes, of course I'm happy," she said, taken aback, "I thought I'd never see you again," she added, swallowing a lump in her throat. 

"I'm sorry," he said softly, realizing she was serious. "I didn't expect anyone to care, and the last time I saw the news I was still among the people missing, so I figured no one would mind if I stayed away a couple of more days to sort things out in my head…But then, of course," he grinned, "I found out I was dead and I had to return before someone would start selling my house or something."

"Oh, Robert," Elizabeth sighed almost bitterly, starting to get up, "I'm glad there's at least something you care enough about to come back for." She was about to grab the first aid kit and take it back to where it belonged, but was stopped cold as Robert grasped her arm and wouldn't let go of it.

"Those tears…" he said softly, ignoring her words. "You had been crying before I came."

Elizabeth felt her pulse quicken as Robert kept a firm hold of her arm. She refused to look into his eyes and didn't say anything in response.

"Was that because of me?" he asked, drawing her closer as he spoke.

Finally Elizabeth looked up and met his burning eyes. They were waiting for her answer. She thought back to how she had earlier regretted him having died without knowing that she cared. Then she lifted her hand to softly caress his cheek before whispering:

"Yes."

_The End_


End file.
